On the Blind Matters of Women & Sexual Assault
RAPE & OTHER NON-CONSENTING EVENTS
Rape and many other health-related matters that surround women, often present as a scabbed wound. Tended to and dressed in bandages to mute the bold presentation of violence, assault and the overall act of force, that is rape. Left to heal on its own over time, yet the pursuit of being whole again or heeled is an elusive feat. After the physical act, the timeline of the assault is considered to be over. However, it continues to engrave itself in the memory of now-familiar scents, feelings, and places. A matter of the day turned blind to the naked eye. It continues to live on in the subconscious of the affected.
“Perhaps the most horrifying thing about nonconsensual sex is that, in an instant, it erases you. Your own desires, your safety and well-being, your ownership of the body that may very well have been the only thing you ever felt sure you owned—all of it becomes irrelevant, even nonexistent.”
Reading Not That Bad | Dispatches from Rape Culture re-confirmed many of the ideas I have formed about survivors and the lasting impact of sexual violence. Rape and even sexual assault are life-altering events that I truly believe affect a person’s life in every way possible. Those stolen moments are the very thing that chips away at a person’s soul, leaving them feeling lost, defenseless and often mute to their own experience. Having encountered various forms of sexual assault and rape either as a bystander or personally, I have to say having a voice in those situations is one of the hardest things to do. It’s a limiting feeling to be defenseless and more so when you are watching the effects of the activities take place in someone’s life.
I’m not going to share the presumed story of that “one time when”, because it didn’t happen to me. Even in being a witness to another woman’s story, doesn’t make it mine to share. The encounter with those during that time still makes my heart cry. However, it leaves me questioning how being in the period of #TimesUp and #MeToo, how we are leaving women and men feeling less empowered to advocate for themselves. Plenty of experiences have been shared but just the same, if not more have been silenced by force, power, or even ignored. The resilience of some women to grow new petals to replaces those that were torn out seems to be an exception as she has to reclaim her life. Reassembling herself creating new pieces out of those that were shattered. All while being berated with idiotic questions and statements like what were you wearing, why were you out so late, you were flirting with him so what did you expect, or she was being fast. It’s her fault.
In some cases, your sexual history is used to suggest that your previous actions lead this assault to happen to you. Thus, no matter what, you will always be the reason. And in reality, we not only broke the spirit of so many people that shared their experience, but we also failed them. Left them prey to societal standards that allow boys to be boys. We cheered them on when they shared private photos of girls they were sleeping with on facebook. We let them assault girls verbally because having sex at a young age wasn’t becoming of a lady. Artistically calling girls every variation of Hoe, Slut, or THOT as they saw fit. We taught them that women were property, something to be conquered. Most of all we failed the girls, letting them believe that acts of violence were normal because if he hits you or is mean to you it means he likes you. Leaving some vulnerable as they were left longing to be loved or cared for. An opening to those random men, friends, cousins or uncles who showed them that the only love they were valuable enough to have was based in sexual assault. As a society, we dropped the ball.
“Because it was drilled in until it turned subconscious and became unbearable need: don’t make it about you; put yourself second or last; disregard your feelings but not another’s; disbelieve your perceptions whenever the opportunity presents itself; run and rerun everything by yourself before verbalizing it — put it in perspective, interrogate it: Do you sound nuts? Does this make you look bad? Are you holding his interest? Are you being considerate? Fair? Sweet?”


Truthfully we turned a blind eye, allowing the boys to grow into savages and muted the girls that dared to speak truth to their assault. Above all else, we didn’t advocate or simply listen when all they wanted was to be heard. Reading Not That Bad, not only made me remember those blank stares that I had seen. It made me analyze how often we tell women that they are simply victims of their own doing. We dismiss the facts and acts of men because we made women responsible for what happens to them. While reprimanding boys who enact vicious crimes treated with leniency because in the words of Judge Aaron Persky, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”
We need to learn to listen without judgment and respond without defense. It happened. Whether you believe it or not the women who share that experience with you are not looking for an opinion on what she should have done or what you would have done. Be the woman or person you would want if you were to go through this. We aren’t perfect but we can be better. As women based on what can and has happened, believe other women. Read Not That Bad | Dispatches from Rape Culture, and share it with the men in your life.
“Because girls are coached out of the womb to be non-confrontational, agreeable, solicitous, deferential, demote, nurturing, to be tuned into others, and to shrink and shut up.
Because speaking up for myself was not how I learned English. Because I’m fluent in Apology, in Question Mark, in Giggle, in Bowing Down, in Self-Sacrifice Because sidelining women’s stories/voices/visages, and also glorifying — thus neutralizing — their suffering, are not only prerequisites to sexual violence against women, but also ensure that sexual violence isn’t seen as sexual violence but as totally normal, sanctioned behavior.”
Truthfully we turned a blind eye, allowing the boys to grow into savages and muted the girls that dared to speak truth to their assault. Above all else, we didn’t advocate or simply listen when all they wanted was to be heard. Reading Not That Bad, not only made me remember those blank stares that I had seen. It made me analyze how often we tell women that they are simply victims of their own doing. We dismiss the facts and acts of men because we made women responsible for what happens to them. While reprimanding boys who enact vicious crimes treated with leniency because in the words of Judge Aaron Pesky, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”
We need to learn to listen without judgment and respond without defense. It happened. Whether you believe it or not the women who share that experience with you are not looking for an opinion on what she should have done or what you would have done. Be the woman or person you would want if you were to go through this. We aren’t perfect but we can be better. As women based on what can and has happened, believe other women. Read Not That Bad | Dispatches from Rape Culture, and share it with the men in your life.

“How many times did you say no? I’ve realized I maybe no longer need anyone to think it was bad enough, I don’t need to prove I’m worthy of pity or help. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me. What I need is what most women need when they talk about the sexual violence they’ve endured. I need someone to listen, I need someone to believe me. Whenever I tell the story I say 16, even though now I know once was enough.”
* Disclaimer: Men experience rape and it is seldom talked about. I understand this and wish that I could talk about it more but it isn’t something that I am familiar with. I do not believe only men are responsible for the rape of women, because the reality is that there are women who rape and or assault other women and girls. I have also taken into account that some women lie and that’s unfortunate. However, there are more women not speaking at all and barely being able to vocalize their experience to dismiss them all for the faults of some. Just like we can’t blame all men for the faults of some.
If you have experienced or been a survivor of sexual violence and need immediate help please call the National Sexual Assult hotline +1-800-656-4673.
Powerful and beautifully written. Loved it
Sexual abuse and sexual assult no matter the gender is wrong. This behavior happens daily and so many get away with it often. Even though girls are often the abused, some boys live with it forever.
These accounts of rape need to be told to hold abusers accountable by the law and to embolden other women who have been abused to also come forward.
Great post!! People truly don’t realize how big of an effect rape, sexual assault, etc. truly has on a woman. I’ve known some girls that this has happened to at very young ages and it could negatively impact how they look at men for the rest of their lives which isn’t even how things should be. I loved when you said we need to learn to listen without judgement. If it happened, it happened and we need to help these victims.
i don’t know if our sexual matters are blind or just something NO ONE feels brave enough to acknowledge see dig into engage with and (dare I say?) enjoy
but damn! it’s all so obviously right there and bubbling over, hot and heavy, threatening to boil over — onto the surface (and at the deep center) of Every.Little.Thing 🔥
I look forward to a time (finally, in this Age of Woman) when unraveling the mystery of our sexuality is allowed and protected and revered
and no one any longer feels the obsessive-sickness to forcibly, ignorantly try to take from us or get a piece of the magic we hold and represent from INside (our vagina-womb-belly)
can you imagine how marvelous such a point in human history that would be ..
unbounded JOY 🤗 and sacred celebration 🎆
Whew…. I have a lot to say. I’ve written a few posts on this topic myself. I even just today asked my supervisor about the next volunteer SAC training since my last training was in 2005 and I KNOW some things have changed since then when it comes to SA and rape. I work on the other side, DV, but SAC… whew! That was a lot to take in back then and I can’t imagine with the social media and camera phones, etc… it’s a lot more now. The toll it takes on women and girls is damn near 100x worse because the internet is forever. I just… Okay, this is well done. Thanks for sharing and continuing to put the word out about SA and rape. Yes, it’s difficult to talk about and deal with on a physical and psychological level… emotionally as well. I just hope that these creeps are caught and jailed as they should be because it’s wrong!!!
As I was navigating college i ran into so many moments where “revenge porn” in the form of intimate photos were share on social media s a means to get back at the woman that has wronged a man. Its honestly a traumatizing act because it will never go away and your future employer will have access to them as they are under their name. It’s a horrible cycle honestly. Thanks for sharing your views!
I applaud you for sharing your views in this with the world. Very well written.
Thank you! Personally, I’d like to discuss the deemed “hard” topics or issues because I believe healing and community can be formed there.
Wow! This was very well written. Fist clenching, tear jerking and definitely thought provoking! Thank you for being an ally and speaking up for those without a voice on such a sensitive topic!