Family . . . socially is to be a structure and group of people who are supposed to be predisposed to nurture, educate, and protect those that are born into the lineage. Such a loaded term, that really carries the weight of what to some seems to be too much of a responsibility that many fail to live up to. Unfortunately when we run into those that lack such ownership of these responsibilities we are left in the trap of their dysfunction and despair; usually as children.
The beginnings of childhood trauma usually coming from an adult or teen family members who are distraught in their own thinking and lives that refuse to address their own issues. Yet often its a collective attack on the child involved. From the initial violation and cause of trauma to the family member who is thought to be a savior who actively turns a blind eye to the acts violation.
The presence of active ignorance is probably the most burning part. Especially when looking to find confront from the person who sat by and watched you in despair riddled with the effects of another presence in your life. Yet, when acting with the only emotions you know when feeling under attack, you are deemed disrespectful because your words aren’t tactful. ?Rude, because you don’t respect the presence of others because no one ever respected you as a person. Selfish, because no one ever chose you, so now you are.
Dealing with childhood trauma, for a lack of better words, is a b*tch. It tests every fiber of your being. The act of trying to address all the hurt you have inside and having to walk away with a lousy justification of another’s actions. Such actions that have greatly affected your life beyond the moment that the actions took place. Knowing that an apology will never be given and that you have to cope with the turmoil that lives inside.
After many conversation and backhanded apologies, i really don’t know if I would ever get over the things I experienced as a child. Do i feel like it was unfair? Absolutely. Do i blame more than one family member? Definitely. Do i forgive them? I am working on it. Honestly, it’s hard to justify forgiveness when there are still things left unsaid due to death. As well as repeated actions that contradict the apologies that have been given. Childhood trauma quickly turns into emotional inadequacy as an adult. It’s just really unfortunate that those that experience it, myself included have to repair the damage left behind with little to no assistance.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
Laurell K. Hamilton