In most elements, I am my most confident self, full of life and looking to add to it in any way possible. Yet like most women, I have my own insecurities. Personally, I have body image issues. Largely stemming from both familial ideas of what beauty is mixed with the public standard of beauty. Now don’t get me wrong I am a very thick and curvy woman, with a great smile who can dress beyond measure. Although I have always been self-conscious when capturing full body photos. Simply because I don’t think I am that beautiful to look at.
I have struggled with this a lot in the past, even when starting this blog. I just didn’t think I was it. I purposely went out of my way to take pictures of other people because I could see their beauty clear as day and didn’t have to second guess it. It was there, and without a doubt easy to capture in a photo and I wasn’t over-analyzing every photo that was taken.
Granted being self-conscious as it pertained to my body really contradicted everything that I wanted to do or even be a part of. It really put a hold on and even stopped some of my earlier aspirations of vlogging and capturing my life in the way that I wanted. Thoughts of you’re too big or you can’t pull that off always put me on edge and stopped me from documenting my self and sharing my story.
More than hating to actually being judged by other people, I hated the idea of possibly being judged. The fact that it COULD happen usually sent me over the edge. That was enough for me to sink my own feet into wet concrete and let it dry. I refused any opportunity that seemed to come close to testing the idea.
A lot of times we don’t realize how much our insecurities really hinder us from progressing in our lives. When I finally did, I started to do all of the hard things that i usually wouldn’t do. Most recently that was taking photos for a lookbook (coming VERY soon). I was in some of my favorite pieces, yet completely scared of documenting it all. But I did it. I smiled, laughed and confirmed my ability to step out of my comfort zone and do my version of the impossible. I loved every moment of it, and plan on doing it again.
I believe that breaking personal boundaries are harder and need more determination to than break a public boundary. It takes all of you to fight you when you are your own biggest critic. You already see your self as a disadvantage and you are the only judge to see you fight that battle. I think more than anything now, i enjoy testing my own limits and trying it all no matter how much it makes me feel awkward or nervous to do so.
?A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
? Mark Twain
To my readers: When did you set yourself free?